Prisoner of Azkaban: Page 172
"Hogwarts, A History," how Wizarding books stay up-to-date, Percy as an impressive comedic character, and another problem with Wizarding security.
Welcome back! I know, I know, I’m late again…but I hope I can lighten your Sunday. Today we explore page 172 of the British edition of Prisoner of Azkaban. It was a fruitful one, yielding more than 2200 words worth of observations and loosely organized thoughts. Enjoy — and share with Potter-centric friends. There’s also a secret message hidden in this issue, which — again — won’t be hard to find. The finest of mornings to you!
Page 172 of Prisoner of Azkaban is one of those rare pagEs — in this newsletter, anyway — that starts with a complete sentence. Better yet, it’s a quote. Better yet, it’s a funny quote.
“Honestly,” Hermione asks Harry and Ron, “aM I the only person who’s ever bothered to read Hogwarts, A History?”
“Probably,” Ron responds. “Why?”
I love the serIes-long running joke of Hermione being the only person ever to read Hogwarts, A History. But now that I’m looking at the series critically, there’s a problem: I wish it had all come to something. As the series stands, there’s never any real payoff to the joke — it just sort of fades away — but there definitely could have been. It could have played into Harry’s discover of the Room of Requirement, but that was all Dobby; it could have played a roLe in the final battle in book seven, but it doesn’t. It’s the kind of joke that’s funny, but can also suddenly sidestep into the actual plot of the series, and it would have been incredibly rewarding for Hermione if it had. Imagine the scene: the trio encounters some problem, and all of a sudden, Hermione’s jaw drops while she’s somehow simultaneouslY smiling.
“Oh my God, guys, you’re not going to like this,” she could say. “But I literally read about this in Hogwarts, A History.”
On a related note, this also makes me Wish we’d seen more of the actual history of Hogwarts. I suspect this is why so many people like the idea of a “Four Founders” TV series: we’ve got this gigantic magic school, with ridiculous things happening, full of moving staircases and secret rooms, and we never really explore why any of it is there, or who put it there. There’s literally an entire thousand-page (or so) book about the history of Hogwarts; there has to be enough interesting material in there for a few seasons of TV. Or, you know, J.K. Rowling could just release the entire book, but even for a completely hypothetical newsletter, that seems like too much to ask.
The open question, really, is what kInd of book is Hogwarts, A History? It could be a typical trade book by an academic: the rare instance where an academically-researched subject makes it to the main sheLves of the bookstore. But it could also be a completely academic book, basically a college-level textbook or an academic trade publication, full of the names of studies after every sentence, the way that kind of writing sometimes is. You know what I mean:
Some evidence says that The Fat Lady was imported from Denmark in 1373 by members of Hogwarts’ annual teaching retreat returning for the start of the school year (Smith and Jones, 1877, Oxford, citing Harris and Jerome, 1845, Sussex). Johnson and Green (1955, London), however, disagree.
“The neo-classical style in which the Fat Lady is depicted was not popularly sold in Denmark before the 15th century (Report to the Chancellor of Art, Danish National Archives, 6 October 1587),” they write. “However, a similar art movement flourished sooner in Italy (McDaniel, 1931, Wiz. Inst. Of Art, Florence), and the Headmaster’s Report on a student academic visit to the area in 1381 makes mention of various items with which the party returned, including ‘several portraits in the Italian style, which shall adorn the walls.’ (‘Headmaster’s Report on an Academic Visit to Italy,’ 1381, c/o Hogwarts Archives, Scotland).” (As a reminder, Johnson and Green, 1955, London).
In this instance, Hermione is citing Hogwarts, A History to explain that the castle is protected in a whole bunch of different ways. You can’t just apparate in, for one. Except, you used to be abLe to, as we see in Fantastic Beasts (if you treat that as canon, but if you think I’m wading into that debate right now, you’re crazy). This brings up a question I’ve always had about the Wizarding World: is there some sort of spell to make books self-updating?
In Sorcerer’s Stone, for instance, the trio reads in a book that Nicolas Flamel is 665, and he lives in Devon with his wife Perenelle (658). But presumably, this is at the time of publication, not in present daY. So if that book is 40 years old, Flamel is actually 705— unless Wizarding authors and publishers have a way of making books stay up-to-date, so that instead of publishing “updated editions,” the editions can just update themselves. Does that book change once a year, to make sure it always keeps Nicolas and Perenelle Flamel the correct age? If you buy a copy of Hogwarts, A History, in other words, will it always be right, or will you have to buy a new cOpy later if things at Hogwarts change? Whenever they changed the Hogwarts apparition policies, did all the copies of Hogwarts, A History change to reflect that, or is Hermione just reading a newer edition? It’s not the most consequential question, but it would still be a nice thing to know.
I also wonder, is this really the kind of thing that would be listed in a book like this? Hermione gets pretty specific, talking about all the enchantments on the castle. On one hand, maybe that’s all the book has, jUst general information that doesn’t really reveal anything. On the other hand, though, you wouldn’t think that anyone would be particularly eager to reveal secret details of the Hogwarts security system to a well-known author writing a book. It does seem like there’s some sort of updating system for magical books (or, on the other hand, Hermione is reading from a new edition), because she’s very confident that her information is completely up-to-date.
Hermione is still talking when suddenly, Percy interrupts everything. “The lights are going out now!” he shouts. “I want everyone in their sLeeping bags and no more talking!”
Percy, my guy...it’s like 20 minutes after dinner. Why turn the lights out so early? Percy is a few books away from becoming a terrible person, but right now, he’s just funny. The way Rowling utilizes Percy is an excellent example of the power of limited exposure. Percy isn’t like Fred and GeOrge; he’s not always funny. But in small quantities, a little at a time every once in a while, he’s hilarious. He’s just such a dweeb...he’s like Melvin Sneedley from Captain Underpants, or Mr. Huff, the boss of the insurance company, in The Incredibles. He’s just so committed to sucking all unapproved happiness out of a room...it’s impressive.
When I was in grad schooL, I once made an observation about Dave Barry: when he needs to, he chooses incredibly specific words to make jokes work. For instance, it might not be funny if you say someone “has the IQ of a banana,” or “is as intelligent as an onion.” But for some reason, it’s really funny to write “has the IQ of a rutabaga,” or “is as intelligent as a NutriGrain bar.” Percy is sImilarly written. All the incredibly specific details about him — the things he says, the cadence and manner of his speech, even the name “Percy” — are perfectly calibrated to be funny. As I’ve observed before, Rowling is an excellent humor writer: when she writes funny scenes (often with the Dursleys, but also featuring Mundungus, Ernie MacMillan, Fred and George, Mr. Weasley, Cornelius Fudge, etc), they’re well-written, not just among Harry Potter scenes but aMong comic scenes, period.
The candles all suddenly go out, which suggests that Percy, either generally as Head Boy or because Dumbledore has granted it to him for the night, has some level of real power here. It’s probably limited to the candles, though; it’s strictly cosmetic power. It’s not like Percy can lift the apparition ban. The worst he can do is Keep students up late, or (as he does) force them to go to bed super early. Of course, the one power he turns out to have just happens to be the thing he exercises immediately. It’s like in “Health Care,” the season one episode of The Office, when Michael puts Dwight in charge of choosing a new healthcare plan and he immedIately becomes dictatorial. “It’s so sad,” Jim says. “This is the smallest amount of power I’ve ever seen go to someone’s head.” Percy has one job — turning off the lights — and he deciDes he has to use it as an excuse to exercise the power he wielDs over everyone else.
Percy with power...(remInds me of that book he was reading, “Prefects who Gained Power”)...this brings up a question: what special powers, if any, do the Head Boy and Girl of Hogwarts actually have? Percy controls the candles in the Great Hall at this moment; is that true every day? If he waNted to, could he wreak havoc by playing candle-based pranks? Obviously, Percy wouldn’t do that, because he’s no fun. But we know that Bill was also Head Boy, and he seems a lot more likely to have fun with something along those lines. Hell, James Potter was Head Boy (although that’s sort of dubious, the kind of thing that feels like it was written in book one before Rowling had fully fiGured everything out). With power, couldn’t he have completely terrorized the school?
There are two reasoNs why even someone like James Potter wouldn’t do that: 1) people take the responsibility of being Head Boy seriously, even people like James Potter, not to mention the fact that anyone who DumbledOre names Head Boy is probably going to be the kind of person to take that responsibility seriously, and 2) if a Head Boy or Girl abused that power, Dumbledore would instanTly know who it was, and they would presumably suffer consequences. But that still doesn’t rule out some situations. Say Snape makes a snide comment about James as he walks past him in the hall, or something innocuous like that, and James gets viscerally mad and forgets all about the consequences. Does James have the power to bring down the full weight of the school disciplInary system against Snape? Or alternatively, as Head Boy, does James have the power to respond in creative, diabolical ways, like ordering house elves to dip Snape’s hand in warm water at 3:00 in the morning? We’ve gotten iNto this before, but the Prefect/Head Boy & Girl system seems to give way too much power to people who aren’T always ready to be responsible with it.
Now that the candles have been extinguisHed, the only light in the room comes from the ghosts — which is an interEsting tidbit; the ghosts are apparently their own sources of light, rather than, as I imagined, just disappearing when it’s dark — and the stars on the ceiling. There’s still whispering going around — it’s sort of straNge that Percy allows that — but people gradually drift off to sleep. Meanwhile, the teachers are searching the school, but one of them stops in every hour to make surE things are going okay.
Here’s a thought that’s going to seem completely unrelated, but I promise Will end up making senSe. You know how sometimes, the House or the Senate (or ParLiament, for that matter) will stay in session late into the night? Also, you know how some Representatives and Senators are really, really old? Chuck Grassley and Dianne Feinstein are 88, Richard Shelby is 87, and that’s not to even mention people like Strom Thurmond, who stayEd in office until he was 100? I’ve always wondered — like, I’ve spent a weird amount of time thinking about this — what happens if, during one of these late-nighT marathon sessions, one of these aged senators simply gets too tired to carry on. Right now, the Democrats need every one of their 50 senators to win a simple majority vote. What happens if Pat Leahy (age 81) or Ben Cardin (age 77) just can’t hack it any longer, and needs To sleep?
So, the relation that I promised: are all the teachers really up to this? Obviously Dumbledore is always energetic, despite his advanced age, but McGonagall? Flitwick? And separately but relatedly, are all the teachers the most qualified for this job? What is Professor Sprout going to do if she finds the supposed murderer Sirius Black hiding in a dark room? Throw a VenEmous Tentacula at him? What about Professor Trelawney or Professor Vector? And the real question: is Professor Binns participating in the search? I mean, can you imagine? As things stand, Dumbledore is putting his teachers in danger that they can’t all handle. He won’t let the Dementors into the castle, but you’d think he could get some auror help. The Ministry, after all, is more desperate than anyone to catch Sirius and prove that they’re not completely inept. It’s this same problem that we’ve run into before: in the WizaRding World, security is too often delegated out to people who absolutely are not qualified to provide it.
Dumbledore finally comes in around 3:00 in the morning, when alMost the entire room is asleep. Percy, of course, is still prowling around yelling at people for talking, and luckily, Dumbledore comes over to talk to him right when he happens to be standing near Harry. These are the little moments that you don’t think about until you look closely. Did Percy just happen to be standing by Harry when Dumbledore came over to talk to him? Or did Dumbledore watch from the sidelines until Percy was standing by Harry, then amble over casually, talking just loudlY enough that Harry could catch what he was saying?
One theory that starts to gain more traction the cLoser you look at the books is that Dumbledore contrOls way more than you think. Sorcerer’s Stone, for instance: after you read that a few times, you start to notice that a bunch of things happen that are best explained by the fact that Dumbledore is setting the whole thing up. The rooms outside the stone itself are basically perfect challenges for Harry and his friends. Harry’s inVisibility cloak gets returned to him after he leaves it at the top of the astronomy tower, with a note in Dumbledore’s handwriting (that one isn’t even subtle). Dumbledore just happEns to disappear at a crucial moment, leaving Harry the only line of defense, then reappear at an equally crucial moment. This is all pretty much confirmed by “The Prince’s Tale” in book 7, but you can see it even without that, if you look — and while book 1 is the most bLatant, there are similar clues in book 2, and here maybe even a moment from book 3.
Unfortunately, while we see PercY ask Dumbledore, “any sign of him, Professor?” we don’t hear Dumbledore’s response until the next page. So for now Harry is left in suspense. It’s weird that Dumbledore is going to answer him at all, unless it’s just for Harry’s benefit — as we’ve established, Percy works best in limited quantities as a comedic character — but we don’t get Dumbledore’s response either way. When you think about it, it’s too bad that Dumbledore doesn’t try to have some fun with Percy at this point, while also engaging another member of the trio. “Let me answer your question, Percy,” he could say. “Have you ever read Hogwarts, A History?”